"The New Commish"

Here's my lame attempt at a humorous article. Trust me on this one. My son Russ in his earlier years was a stand up comic who traveled and performed in many comedy clubs east of the Mississippi River and if he would have tried to make a skit out of this, he would been thrown off the stage. However, of course I liked it.



After a much self introspective and soul searching thought process, Bud Selig, MLB’s drug lord Commissioner, has stepped down today amidst baseballs' latest scandal concerning the discovery of Babe Ruth’s DNA, which showed every steroid known to man in his system.

MLB owners immediately replaced Selig with Richard "Vegas Rich" Marsh who is an analyst, writing for the Bleacher Report.

When notified of the position Marsh, who is Brooklyn-born, was heard to have said, “It’s about friggin time”.

The 15-year Vegas resident who admittedly is hiding from “Three Finger Louie," has previously written about the changes he would be making if he was in charge.

This article, was virtually ignored on the BR, getting only 40 reads and zero comments.

When asked why, Vegas Rich said that was before he learned how to pimp his articles.

Now he tells everyone when he writes an article. He spends about four times the amount of time pimping his work. Hasn’t hurt since he is ranked either first or second (to a 16-year-old do you believe that? No offense Mike Kent) on the New York Mets page.

Here is an exclusive interview with the new Commissioner from his palatial two bedroom condo in Vegas, which he’s renting.

Me: Now that you’ve been named Commissioner what will be your first action?

VR: I will immediately return Babe Ruth’s DNA to its rightful place.

Me: Next?

VR: I’m going to kick the Hall-of-Fame's butt. No more voting from the Baseball Writers presently on the job.

Only Bleacher Report writers along with members of the Mets Police, Dom D’s Mets Fan Blog, and the 7th train get to vote.

Maybe, Matt Cerrone as well. I like metsblog.com.

Me: Wow that’s a big step. Do you think the owners will go along with you on that?

VR: Frack em. I bet none of them knew who the last Cylon was anyway.

Me: What about the issue of steroids?

VR: No, let’s get back to the Hall for a minute. Immediate reinstatement for Joe Jackson and Pete Rose back into baseball. What a travesty that’s been.

Steroids, once and for all as of the beginning of the 2009 season every player will be BLOOD TESTED whenever I feel like it. If they test positive they will suspended for the next 365 days.

The second offense, bye bye birdie.

Me: Wow again, what do you think the Players Union will say?

VR: Frack them too. Let the players contribute 10 percent of their salary to a family benefits fund to all the families of deceased players. Those selfish sons of bitches.

Me: Wow you are really going to be one hell of a tough Commissioner.

VR: Are you kidding me? All of them will get an offer they can’t refuse. I’m gonna clean up this game and make it easy for the next generation to enjoy the world’s greatest sport.

Me: How are you going to get the kids more involved in baseball?

VR: The owners are going to roll back ticket prices to the 1960s.

Me: The owners are just going to love you.

VR: Frack em again, they have enough money. Those billionaire creeps, if they don’t like it, I have some dirty shorts I know they’ll enjoy.

Me: Is there anything else you would like to tell the public about your appointment and changes you plan to make to baseball?

VR: Yes there’s one more matter that I will be putting into place, sorry Christian.

I plan to cancel the month of September if the Mets are in first place. It will just traumatize the children too much if they collapse again.

Remember baseball is game we play as children and how beautiful it is when, with baseball, we never have to grow up.

Me: Thanks VR.

VR: No problem just call me anytime you need someone whacked.

This article can also be found on the metspolice.com, Dom D's Met Fan Blog and the 7th Train.

Well maybe not after this.